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At the End of You

2004-06-07 - 11:05 p.m.

Have you ever searched every fiber of your being for something to say that isn't selfish, and come up empty?

It reminds me of a quote-- well, part of a quote-- that I came across in last semester's fiction writing class: "...searching for more than you at the end of you." And an older one, that I recited for years just because I liked the sound of it: "The whole world is you, yet you keep thinking there is something else..."

Or, to clinch it in my own words, "I'm probably just trying desperately to say something that doesn't need to be said." But how to tell for sure? How to let go, as long as there's the possibility that it does need to be said?

My paranoia has done a job on me; my insecurity, far worse. Outside influences have probably had some kind of effect too, but we all see enough of everything that it evens out and we can't really lay any blame onto it.

Don't ask me if it bothers me that I haven't changed. Of course it does. And of course I'm trying to change now, but that required some topic besides myself, and that's what brought me to the beginning of this entry.

It's the in-between times that bring out this kind of mood. Would you believe that I, the melancholy and introverted author of these dark pages, really did find my happy ending at college? Can you picture me giggling with girls that I called my triplets, or making up drinking games to occupy an evening? I wouldn't have, except that it all made sense once I had to say goodbye to it all again. That put me back where I started. I didn't have to change.

The thought that I'm headed for now, is that I wonder what I would be like if I ran out of things to sigh about. What if I could take all the elements of my utopia and put them in a box- gather all of my friends and family to Prague, learn the language, be good at what I do, have enough time left over to create? Would I finally have my butterfly's metamorphosis? Or would it just be the final formula to reveal my true self, one which is no different than it is here and now?

To that end, happiness is indeed one of the things I fear. Stasis has another kind of fear, though, and I guess I'm kind of counting on that to overpower the former.

I come back to this journal when I need to face myself. One of these days, it will be a welcome reunion.

~Arixis

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